I
never understood cutting. Or really gave it much thought.
In
my years as a middle school teacher, if any of the students had actively cut
him or herself, I was completely unaware.
Ditto
regarding my years as a mother of teens.
Then
an adult friend said something to me recently that really took me by surprise.
She
had a sibling who had died and the subsequent days were filled with a sort of
grief that became somewhat unbearable to her. Family relationships being what
they are—and my friend being the driven, faith-filled Catholic gal that she
is—started to create a perfect storm of human frailty.
I
watched as my friend motored through a variety of emotions that ranged from
helplessness to anger and then circled back to logic and reason peppered with
charity and kindness. Through it all, my heart carried her burden. It pained me
to see her in such anguish.
At
one point, exhausted from it all, she quietly said to me, “I see why people cut
themselves.”
I
had no response.
In
her pain, she connected with the pain of others who choose to cut themselves to
alleviate their pain and burden—to somehow grab control of things. The physical
pain they inflict upon themselves serves a real purpose, a relief. It is
something they are in charge of when everything else around them seems
uncontrollable.
My
friend desired that sort of control in that very moment.
In an online article on Education.com, Wendy
Lader, PhD, clinical director of S.A.F.E Alternatives and co-author of Bodily
Harm, says self-harm is more prevalent than most people think. “Studies on adolescents in community samples
report a lifetime prevalence between 15 and 20 percent,” she says.
She goes on to say that the most
common reason is control of emotions. “For
kids experiencing intense emotions, it can be used to deaden the intensity. For
those feeling a sense of numbness, it serves the opposite effect, helping them
feel something.”
This
need to cope with intense emotions is something that we have all grappled with
from time to time—and we know how difficult it can be, as adults, to get those
emotions under control. So it is no wonder that among our adolescent population—which
faces a tremendous amount of stressors along with the standard teen angst fare—the
cutting phenomenon is on the rise.
In
the same article on Education.com, Susan Bowman, a licensed counselor and
author says, “When kids cut themselves,
it releases endorphins and they get a high from it. It becomes a control issue:
This is the way I release the pressure.”
My
friend’s pain was—as much as is humanly possible—my own. So in her simple
statement about cutting, she spoke volumes. If she had turned around and cut
herself right in front of me I believe I would have understood.
In
her own pain at the death of her sibling and the ensuing family dynamics
surrounding that difficult time, my friend had an incredible epiphany. She
recognized that sometimes emotional pain or trauma is so deep, so overwhelming
that we can’t cope with it and we need to find some sort of release.
And
it is a release—or control—that our kids are pursuing more and more.
There
are a number of indicators for parents and teachers to be aware of for possible
self-harm which while typically starts around 15 years old, can certainly start
at any time. According to a study by Cornell University and a few other reports,
these include:
ü Wounds (it seems
obvious but pay attention to wounds—especially clustered wounds and scars) on
the most common areas: wrists, arms, hands, thighs.
ü Bandages on the
same areas especially in a consistent basis.
ü Blood inside
clothing or on sheets or towels.
ü Clothing that
doesn’t make sense for the season—for instance, long sleeves or pants on a hot
summer day.
ü Signs of distress,
depression, anxiety, or withdrawal that seems out of pattern, excessive, long
in duration, or inconsolable.
All
current reports and studies agree that self-harm—cutting, self-injury—is far
from being fringe behavior for kids.
It
shouldn’t be stigmatized or ignored as there are many avenues of help
available.
And
of course, this is a reminder that we are all called to be bastions of love,
kindness, prayer, and charity for all children.
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